June 26, 2024

We've all seen it, we're at a nice restaurant, enjoying our microgreens and a nice Chablis when, the table over, the couple is ignoring their screaming toddler who is kicking the backside of your booth. "Can't you control your...child?" We expect social control and proper decorum in our everyday encounters with our fellow humans. When that is amiss, we expect (certainly desire) a swift return to relative peace and coexistence. Adherence to stop lights and driving on the "right" side of the road assures safety and cooperation that can assure our continuing survival. So it is with “social graces” and the healthy, well placed boundaries that inspire mutual respect.

When does the need for control become problematic, even toxic? Seems the differentiation centers around that which we CAN control, and that which we TRY to control, but can't. More to the point, the question: Is it OURS to control?

Please refer to the graph below:

The key to discernment:

“The wisdom to know the difference.”

Alternatives to the compulsion to control that which we cannot:

1. JOURNAL: Track situations you’re trying to control. Pay attention to the negative feelings that arose, such as frustration, jealousy, resentment. What did you accomplish? What was the outcome?
2. IDENTIFY EMOTIONS, THE ROOT OF YOUR BEHAVIOR: Feelings of vulnerability, rejection, negative childhood experiences?
3. CHALLENGE UNHELPFUL THOUGHT PATTERNS: Observe negative self-talk, catastrophizing, impossible standards of self or others, habitual blaming. Consider choosing more positive interpretations over maladaptive conclusions.
4. LET GO OF THAT WHICH YOU CAN’T CONTROL
5. ACCEPT SELF AND OTHERS, “as is.”
6. PRACTICE RELAXATION AND STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUES
7. LOOK FOR THE POSITIVE SIDE: Be willing to be flexible. Notice what went well, so far.
8. SEARCH FOR BALANCE. All or nothing at all, black vs. white…be willing to look for the “grey”.
9. ACCEPT YOUR IMPERFECTIONS: You’re not always right; not perfect….and, yes, that goes for everyone else as well.
10. DEVOTE TIME AND ENERGY TO TRUE HAPPINESS: “Do more of what works, less of what doesn’t, and try new things.”

THE TRIED AND TRUEISM STANDS: THE ONLY CONTROL WE TRULY HAVE, OR EVER WILL HAVE, IS OVER OUR REACTIONS, AND OUR RESPONSES. 

MAY WE CULTIVATE MORE RESPONSES AND A WHOLE LOT LESS REACTIONS!

– Karen Kelleher, M.A.

Family Caregiver Support Coordinator at DayBreak

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