October 18, 2023

Quote of the Week:

“They may forget what you said, but they will never

forget how you made them feel.”

– Carl W. Buechner

Anger has a long history as a strong emotional reaction, a state of being, that can overtake us at a moment's notice. We tend to spend a great deal of time hiding it, judging it, reflexively acting it out... "overacting" and later regretting it. It's a genie out of the bottle and trying to shove it back in can be quite the conundrum. That conundrum, a springing from this strong, painful emotion, really lies in how, and how not to, express it. It can be fearsome in its velocity; giving rise to an uncontrolled/uncontrollable passion both in word and deed. Regret and shame predictably follow its expression, pushing down the very real and authentic, original emotion; a natural reaction to negative stimulation. The external outburst or reaction often turns one inside out, with a form of remorse, even self hatred filling in the void.

Perhaps it is helpful to look at the word, citing that reactive emotion of such velocity that can often overwhelm us. First records of "anger" were noted about 1150 A.D. from an old Norse word, anger, meaning "grief or sorrow." An overpowering emotion, to be sure, yet somehow founded in pain, loss, or sorrow?  Anger as an emotional response to grief and loss?

What to do, as caregivers, to lessen the collateral damage of this self-incrimination? When faced with frustrating, unfair circumstances so inherent in the role of caring for a loved one in mental/physical decline, we are encouraged to use strategies of redirection for our loved ones. As an example, when loved ones are having a "bad day"... we might seek distractions to redirect their attention. Yet what about us? WE are in control, right? Except when we are not!

1. Taking a true time out; leaving the room, the building, for a short period

2. Whacking a pillow while shouting something like "damnit, damnit, damnit"

3. Going for a walk

4. Deep, slow breathing

5. Using the "Rant Line" ( calling an agreed upon fellow caregiver to vent, w/o interruption or fixing, on the call-receiver's part)

6. Listening to soothing music

7. Giving yourself a hug...a Real Hug.

8. Looking in the mirror, smile while telling yourself that you're doing your best... (because you are!)

9. Start out with a fake laugh, soon you'll be laughing for real!

A moment to revisit the old Norse definition, if you will: Anger, as an expression of grief and loss. Psychologists will tell you that anger is fear, poorly assimilated. To be a caregiver is to face some sort of loss and grief on a daily basis. Loss of the life you had planned. Loss of a long time companion you imagined a future with. Loss of your personal identity. Loss of the company and relational ease of your loved one. Incremental loss of the familiar. Loss of your relationship role. Loss of your spontaneous freedom.

We mourn, even as our loved ones live. We must learn to recalibrate, readjust, let go of hope of returning to "normal" in the face of the "new normal."

And fear. Fear that we can't "do it"......fear that we can. Fear of an uncertain future. Fear of losing our loved ones....fear of losing ourselves. Fear of being alone...fear of not being alone. In regards to the presence of anger... I quote the good Dr. Phil: "Some would say why? I ask, why not !?" 

It's not about whether or not one feels anger in the role of caregiver. Seems a natural emotional response to one's own "unmet needs." Needs that require a voice; held and expressed with all the compassion and respect that an authentic emotion deserves. You are not angry at your loved one, and whatever the "behaviors" (unmet needs) and lapses in cognition and/or physical challenges they are experiencing or expressing.

We can aspire to neutralize the velocity of negative feelings and reactions by realizing their normalcy without taking them out neither on our loved ones, nor ourselves. We can allow for a personal reframing at the times of anger by acknowledging the dignity of accepting our "bad days".. and negative reactions as a normal response to pain. Pain that requires self-compassion and exploring healthy alternatives to self, or others that doesn't invite shame and resentment to over power you. An authentic willingness to be fully aware that you are doing the very best you can, given the challenging, difficult, and ongoing circumstances. and regret.

“When we know better, we do better.” – Anonymous

"Hope confronts. It does not ignore pain, agony, or injustice. It is not a saccharine optimism that refuses to see, face, or grapple with the wretchedness of reality. You can't have hope without despair, because hope is a response. Hope is the active conviction that despair will never have the last word." – Cory Booker

Karen Kelleher MA

Karen@DayBreakAC.Org

510-542-0912

Together, we can make a meaningful difference in the lives of elders 

and the caregivers who selflessly support them.

DayBreak is committed to offering essential support to elders and caregivers navigating diverse difficulties. If you're acquainted with a senior who could find value in our care and coordination services, or if you're aware of a caregiver seeking assistance, encourage them to reach out to us at:

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