News from Jude Bijou and Attitude Reconstruction™      


Joy, Love, and Peace for 2019

Attitiude Reconstruction                                     

July 2019                                        The Three Bridges 

I am pleased to announce the reprinting (and slightly edited)
version of Attitude Reconstruction. It includes a revised "action" chapter, full Blueprints on the inside front and back cover, and little futzes here and there. Available, signed, sealed, and delivered for only $15.00 (includes tax.).  
To buy yours at this price, send me an email at: jude@attitudereconstruction.com 
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Praise for the newsletter.
Thank you for your newsletter.  It always helps to keep my life and goals in perspective! I do live a lot of my life according to Attitude Reconstruction but as you know there is continuously room for improvement, which there should be.  None of us are perfect nor ever will be but also as you hint. . . we need to be happy at where we are.  A happy balance.
Thank you for another opportunity to read and remind myself where I need to tweak my life a little.
Remembering Love, Peace and Joy as the ultimate goals!

"I feel like I have all this anger inside but no one special to share it with."

"Thank God for Donna. She's the only one who understands my ass."




Greetings dear ones,    
Personal relationships can take us to heaven or hell. This month's newsletter will show you how to create heaven at the most stressful times -- when you encounter someone who is in the grip of sadness, anger, or fear.
Even if you're already familiar with the Three Bridges, I
guarantee you'll still benefit from a short review. 
The Three Bridges are one of the most amazing and useful   concepts I discovered as I was creating Attitude Reconstruction. Intuitively the Bridges make perfect sense. It's just that no one taught us about them.   
But first... 
A Few Articles and Stuff of Interest   
What your grip says about your odds of surviving a health crisis
What is so bad about processed food.
A study shows you can't catch up on your sleep on the weekends. 
Videos Guaranteed to Bring a Smile!   
  Most all cartoons "borrowed" from the Cartoonbank.    
The Three Bridges 
Sometimes it's obvious what emotion a person is dealing with. Other times it's not. With just a little practice, you'll be able to recognize the emotions underlying other people's demeanor, words, and actions.  
Rather than getting sucked into a knee-jerk reaction because of their abrupt tone, negativity, or finger-pointing tirade, you can get to the heart of the matter and extend a communication "bridge." You'll be offering what they truly long to get but don't know how to ask for, you can help them shift their emotional state.
                                     The Three Bridges

The Three Focuses of Our Attention 
          If it's not obvious what emotion is likely going on for them, ask yourself, "Where is their attention focused?" "What are they talking about?"

         Their focus will be predominantly in one area, but two or three can be in play. If they exhibit symptoms of more than one focus, you'll need to offer more than one bridge to help them totally regain a centered state.
      An example of this would be someone who is anxious about a job interview and doubting her qualifications. She is probably feeling fear (anxious), and sadness. Her focus is in the future and she's also focused on feeling not good enough. She needs both reassurances and validation so she can get grounded, present, and confident.
The Three Bridges
Here are the three amigos (aka the Three Bridges) -- appreciations, understanding, and reassurances. There are only three concepts to remember...
People who often experience sadness (but often don't cry enough) are most likely thinking or speaking poorly of themselves, unless they are mourning a loss or acknowledging a hurt. You can recognize them because they may be acting passively, clingy, and feeling unworthy or unlovable. What they need are genuine appreciations. In your interactions with them, you need to convey the idea, "I love you. You're great." Also, remind them of and praise them for their strengths and contributions.
Folks often striking out in anger and spewing "you's" all over the place and filled with blame, negativity, and criticism, really just feel isolated and are in desperate need of understanding. They won't respond well to debates, lectures, or reprimands. The chances they'll hear what you have to say are slim to none, unless you can genuinely connect with them first. You need to sincerely hear them out without reacting or taking what they say personally.
Focus on what's going on with them behind their angry words and let the attacks go flying by. Work very hard not to respond to their accusations. Silently repeat or say, "I want to understand their perspective" and just listen. It doesn't help to try to correct them up and you definitely shouldn't take what they are saying personally. Remember, you are just the misplaced target of their anger.
            If someone is overwhelmed, anxious, or totally stressed out, chances are she's got some unexpressed fear stocked up. She needs honest reassurances. Comfort, soothe, and repeatedly remind her that "Everything is and will be all right." Other reassuring comments are "We'll make our way through this together," "I'm here" or "I'll take care of it." Or offer her reminders of the objective reality: "Your boss really likes the work you do," or "You've done this successfully before.
Why Extend a Bridge
You'll deepen your personal relationships when you become adept at recognizing the emotions of others. You can use this knowledge to communicate in the ways most helpful to them. What an amazing talent you'll be cultivating. For example, if you know that your husband is quick to anger, you can consciously and silently listen to understand his position, especially at times when he is upset or under stress.  
If a workmate seems glum or down, you can recognize and validate her talents and skills a little more often. And when someone close to you is anxious or freaking out, appreciations and compliments are of little help at the moment. Instead offer them repeated reassurances.
Use the Three Bridge with Yourself 
If you're unable or unwilling to offer a communication bridge, it's probably because your own unexpressed emotions are getting in the way. It's okay. You're human. To quickly reignite your compassion, take a brief time-out and handle your own emotions.
Whether you deal with your emotions physically or not, you can still extend the three bridges to yourself. When you are feeling sad or down on yourself, give yourself appreciations. "I did it. Good for me."
When you are feeling angry or frustrated, try to understand what's really going on for you and offer yourself empathy and compassion. "I was upset and tired. At least I gave it my best shot."
When you are feeling scared, nervous, or anxious, reassure yourself by repeating, "It's okay. I can make it through this."
The Reliable Truths -- what we know to be true about ourselves, others and situations, at a time when we are clear -- are the embodiment of the three Bridges. If you've selected a few Truths, you can repeat them vigorously and persistently when emotions arise or anytime. (If not, here is a link to an article that offers you an array of Reliable truths and describes how to internalize them.) 
Hey Jude 
Can you offer me some tips about how to listen and understand better?

Certainly, here is a list of my "listening don'ts:"

* Interrupting
* Leaping into problem solving
* Offering unsolicited advice
* Finishing others' sentences
* Changing the topic
* Matching stories
* Debating or challenging
* Cornering or interrogating
I'm hoping you'll remember to extend a bridge when you come across someone who is in the grip of his of their sadness, anger, or fear. You'll be glad you did, because it brings others back to planet earth and increases feelings of connection. 
Thanks for reading this newsletter. If you have any feedback, suggestions about a newsletter theme, or general comments, I enjoy hearing from you, so feel free to write me at: jude@AttitudeReconstruction.com
                           With love,