The Short Vort
Good Morning!
Today is Tuesday the 10
th
of Kislev 5778 and November 28, 2017
My Pet Peeve
I have a pet peeve which I need to get off my chest.
I’m sorry for dumping on you; however, I really have no one else to talk with about this.
Every time I go to a Bar Mitzvah; inevitably at one point in the affair, the father of the Bar Mitzvah boy will get up and say something like this:
“I want to thank everyone for coming. I want to thank Aunt Bertha who came all the way from California to be at her great-nephew’s Bar Mitzvah and Uncle Joe who came all the way from Monsey” -at this point in the speech everyone laughs politely at his “original” joke.
The father will go on to thank his child’s Rebbeim and maybe even the rabbi of the Shul (hint, hint) and his parents and his in laws (if he’s smart he’ll do it in the reverse order and mention his in laws first).
He will then say, “I also want to thank my wife who did everything for this Bar Mitzvah single handedly. I did absolutely nothing for this event with the exception of showing up tonight. She took care of all the details and I did nothing; in fact if she would not have reminded that tonight is the Bar Mitzvah I would have gone to the Beis Medrash to my learning Seder” (More polite laughter expected).
This speech in which the husband doesn’t just thank his wife for taking care of the lion’s share of the preparations, but, feels the need to stress and emphasize again and again – ad nauseam – how he did totally zero with regard to the logistical details of the Simcha- really bothers me.
We can all understand and acknowledge the need for the husband’s recognition of his wife’s hard work and her taking upon herself the majority of the party planning; however, why the need for the husband to stress- often even more passionately than how he thanks his wife- how completely uninvolved he was in the planning?
Is there anything to be ashamed of if the husband and the wife both sat together and filled out the seating cards?
Is there something demining or unmanly about a husband writing on a seating card: “Mrs. Goldberg will sit at table number six”?
Is that something that ‘no-real-man’ would ever do?
I often get the feeling that the husband’s real agenda is not to thank his wife; rather, it’s to show to everyone how uninvolved he is in the banal and menial affairs of the household.
As if people will think less of him as a man if he admits he helped address the envelopes or conversely they will think more of him for his unequivocally stating he is too holy and pristine to involve himself in the lowly and tedious task of stamping envelopes.
I want to advocate for a change in this canned oft-repeated and constantly recycled husband’s “Thank you” speech to his wife.
As opposed to spending 4.5 seconds informing us of what
his wife DID do
; and nine minutes and eleven seconds publicly declaring all the things
he DID NOT do
; how about giving equal time to truly and sincerely thanking his better half?
Or even better, how about those husbands who indeed have the time and inclination to be involved in the logistical planning of the event admit that they helped out?
And instead of getting up and claiming that he had no idea until this morning that tonight was the Bar Mitzvah, how about the husband stating, “I want to thank my wife for working with me as a team as together we worked to put together a modest yet, Torahdik Simcha”?
Is there really anything wrong in admitting that both husband and wife can work together in the planning and execution of the Simcha?
Let’s leave out the bravado about what he didn’t do and put back the idea of what together they did do.
After all, the Bar Mitzvah boy is indeed both their child, is he not?
Better than arrogant and self-congratulating statements, we need more sincere and heartfelt expressions of true gratitude and of partnership.
Anyway, thanks for listening and allowing me to get this off my chest.
For if you hadn’t given me the opportunity to share; the next time I would have heard a husband say, “My wife was so solely involved in the planning of this event that until she reminded me this morning of tonight’s Bar Mitzvah, I had totally forgotten that we even had a son!” I would have screamed so loud and protested so vehemently-you would have heard me all the way from Passaic to Poughkeepsie! (Editor’s note: there about 75 miles between the two cities).
“If Not Now, Then When?”- Hillel
Ron YItzckok Eisenman, Rabbi, Congregation Ahavas Israel, Passaic, NJ
