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92,300 members
25,975 half-sibling/donor connections!
I always get excited to see the email saying "You have a NEW MATCH on the DSR!" but today was the day that I had wondered if it would ever come - a match with the sperm donor!! I'm delighted he made the connection and is open to answering questions. Thank you Wendy and Ryan for making this possible!
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We've had several new reports of families having trouble reporting births to the New England Cryogenic Center (NECC) because the sperm was purchased via a doctor/clinic/hospital. NECC wouldn't acknowledge/record the birth.
Unfortunately, sperm banks not recording reported births is not uncommon. Make sure that your sperm bank has your child's birth on record.
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There are recent reports of local facilities, including the London Sperm Bank in the UK and City Fertility Center in Australia, re-selling sperm from larger sperm banks, (eg., Seattle Sperm Bank), using completely different donor numbers.
If you used a local clinic, please make sure that they have not bought the sperm from a large US (or Danish) sperm bank and then changed the donor ID/number. Facilities that buy sperm from large sperm banks should be keeping all original donor numbers.
It is important to always post under the originating sperm bank/facility (where the donation occurred) when posting on the Donor Sibling Registry, as the large US and Danish sperm banks ship to hundreds of small clinics worldwide.
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Several months ago the folks at A Jewish Blessing, a small egg facility in Israel, closed their doors. Before doing so, they notified and educated all their recipient parents and donors about the Donor Sibling Registry. So far, we have 34 offspring posted, with 12 half-sibling matches, and 17 donor-to-offspring matches for A Jewish Blessing.
Think about it, what would happen if just one sperm bank did the same? For over a decade, dozens of egg facilities have written the DSR into their donor-recipient parent agreements, thereby facilitating connections right from pregnancy/birth.
C'mon sperm banks. It's time.
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Consult/Advice/Support Video Chat |  | |
Here are some issues we can chat about:
- I just found out that I am donor-conceived ... help!
- Donor-conceived people who are shouldering the secret of donor conception (not letting parents know that they know) after finding out later in life.
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Prospective parents: what you should know to make informed and educated decisions that will affect your child for decades.
- My adult donor-conceived child just found via DNA testing that they are donor-conceived ... how do I best support them?
- Maneuvering through disclosure, a child’s right to know, and when and how to tell.
- How to move forward in connecting with a half-sibling’s family (or many families).
- Connecting with a formerly anonymous donor, via the DSR, DNA, or other methods.
- Coping with donor family members who have different comfort levels and desires to connect.
- Non-biological parents who feel uncomfortable with their children reaching out to donor relatives.
- Parents: discuss the distinctions about how you define family and how your child might do so.
- Helping to maneuver the fine line between privacy and secrecy in the families we connect with.
- Donor-conceived people: how to cope when you have a burning desire to know your genetic/ancestral history.
- Donors: how to move forward with connecting when your family members may not know of your donations or may not approve of your reaching out to your genetic offspring. How to manage when there are many of them.
- Parents/donors/offspring: coming together from different socio-economic/cultural/political/sexual orientation/religious backgrounds who need assistance in moving forward in the most healthy way possible.
Feedback:
Thank you Wendy for talking to us this afternoon. It’s always so soothing and comforting to share our feelings and thoughts with you. Thanks for listening to our concerns and fears. We’ve never been able to open up like that with anyone for the past 37 years. We told our kids about you and how helpful you were to us and that you would be available to talk to them if they so desired.
— L&T*
Thank you so much for sharing your exhaustive experience with me. You gave great advice and gave me a lot to think about. I really appreciate it! I will keep you posted as I move forward.— LR
Thank you so much for being there and spending the time to talk with us yesterday. I feel like we're getting the ball rolling at least. I can't express my gratitude enough for your expertise, knowledge, and availability. I will be in touch again without a doubt. — M&L
It was nice to speak frankly and to air our fears (even the ones we knew were irrational) to someone who knows how primal this new donor communication is. — RM
Thank you so much for your time, expertise, and sensitivity today. You gave us lots of good ideas and advice. We will let you know of our progress!
— H&P
Thank you so much for your guidance and support! It really helped prepare me for the conversation with my mom, dad, and brother. I also had the opportunity to Facetime with 4 half-siblings yesterday, thanks to the DSR. 3 of them happened to be together for a reunion of sorts and we looped a fourth one in. I was able to connect a fifth to this group via text afterward. It was incredible! Thanks, again!
— SC
*These parents were recently advised by their licensed mental health professional to not tell their adult children the truth, seeing "no reason to do so". Unfortunately, this not uncommon.
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Ryan and I were thrilled to participate in the LGBTQ2IA+ Families Then and Now webinar series that explores the changing landscape of LGBTQ2IA+ parenting. Around a third of DSR parents are LGBTQ!
"Wendy and Ryan - I was deeply moved by the interview today, as I am overall by your family story and the story of the Donor Sibling Registry. Your warmth, thoughtfulness, intelligence, and courageous pioneering spirits shine through at every level and are so inspirational! To put it simply you both exude love for each other and for the world, especially those you are helping through the Donor Sibling Registry and that is an extraordinary model for all of us.
As I mentioned, I am particularly inspired by your refusal to accept limiting narratives, instead choosing to chart your own course and light the way for others to do so. I feel tremendously privileged to have had the opportunity to interview you and I so appreciate your generosity not just in giving us your time but also in the open-hearted ways you shared your experiences and perspectives. The Brazelton Touchpoints community was greatly enriched by hearing from you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! "
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As some of you know, we had to completely rebuild our website's backend (code/databases) in 2018-2020. Those developers were also supposed to give us a better look and user experience (they did not). The project that was supposed to cost $40k, ended up costing almost $300k, with the first 2 groups of developers dropping out because of site complexity.
After some financial (and emotional) regrouping we're now working with our current developers, Rubyroid Labs, on the UI/UX of the site. We're looking for a better user experience on a better-looking site, to be implemented by the new year.
UI (user interface) and UX (user experience) design are two different areas of digital design that can work together to create a strong user experience:
- UI design focuses on the look and feel of a product's visual components and interactive elements, such as screens, buttons, icons, and toggles. UI designers create intuitive, aesthetically pleasing interfaces that drive user engagement.
- UX design focuses on the overall user experience with a product or service, including how they feel about it. UX designers identify and solve user problems by creating wireframes and testable prototypes that map out the user journey. UX design is usually the first step in the product development process, followed by UI design.
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Donor's Medical Information
Many donors come to the Donor Sibling Registry posting variations of the message, "I have important medical information to share". Same for parents and donor-conceived adults. Connecting with genetic relatives can provide information for proper medical screenings and preventative medicine. It can even save lives.
84% of 164 surveyed sperm donors were never contacted by the sperm bank for a medical update, (most sperm banks promise yearly updates) while 23% indicated that they or a family member had a medical issue that would be important to share.
As a donor, I updated my medical records between donations. They did not pass those updates on to previous donations NOR donations that came after those updates.
In 2009 97.4% of 155 surveyed egg donors were never contacted by their clinic for a medical update while 34.2% said they had a medical issue that would be important to share.
In 2021, 94.3% of 345 surveyed egg donors reported that they had never been contacted for a medical update while 25% had medical issues that they felt were important to share with families.
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BOOK: Counseling Donor Family Members
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Published by Ethics Press, this guide will be of interest to therapists, counselors, psychologists, sociologists, physicians, and other mental health professionals who may encounter this topic in their specific settings with patients who have a variety of presenting problems, as well as professionals in the reproductive medicine industry.
And yes, this guide is also helpful for donors, parents, and donor-conceived people. Understanding the layers of emotional depth and the specific challenges that all stakeholders might face is very helpful when maneuvering through your own personal journey.
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LGBTQ2IA+ Outreach
We'll be at the June Boulder Pride event in Colorado on the 30th!
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2024 Published Articles
1/4/24
DNA Matters: Psychological Differences in Donor Families
Accurate and updated mental health information is vital for families and donors
1/25/24
The Ethical Sperm Bank: An All-Open Sperm Bank
An idea whose time has come.
2/26/24
The Problems With Donor-Sibling Groups of 50, 250, or More
Important medical, psychological, and social implications for donor offspring.
3/29/24 What Rights Are Important to Donor-Conceived People? Personal Perspective: A bill of rights for the infertility field.
4/30/24 Accurate Terminology in Egg Donation Families: The person who contributes the egg is the biological or genetic mother.
5/30/24 Gamete Donors Connecting With Offspring and Their Families
Barriers: the perception of rejection, worry, fear, and other concerns.
6/19/24 Donor Families: Mutual Consent Contact
Personal Perspective: Mutually agreed-upon contact can be quite different.
2023 Published Articles
1/6/23
Why are Sperm and Eggs Still Sold Anonymously?
Personal Perspective: The consequences of donor anonymity.
1/27/23
Cornerstones of the Donor Family: Kindness and Empathy:
From choosing a donor to expanding one's family to include donor relatives.
3/2/23
Tips for Donor-Conceived Adults Who Just Found Out the Truth:
The road might be bumpy for a while, with a multitude of difficult emotions.
4/3/23
Donor-Conceived People Who Have Always Known the Truth:
Being donor-conceived can have inherent challenges, even if told early on.
4/24/23
Egg and Sperm Donors: It's Complicated:
Some common thoughts and feelings surrounding selling one's gametes.
5/8/23
Donor-Conceived People: Curiously not Curious:
Some insist that they are not at all curious about their donor origins.
6/12/23
Parents of Donor-Conceived People: Researching the thoughts and feelings of biological and non-biological parents.
7/10/23
Reaching Out to Sperm and Egg Donors: Weighing the risks and rewards when deciding whether to attempt contact.
8/7/23
Donor-Conceived Children Meeting Their Half-Siblings
Widening one's family circle with enriching, lifelong relationships.
9/5/23
Gamete Sellers: It's More Than Just a Financial Transaction
Common themes, topics, and issues that arise with former egg and sperm donors.
10/2/23
Sperm Banks, Egg Facilities, and the Backfire Effect
Why have gamete sellers been resistant to evolving ideas about donor families?
11/1/23
Contacting a Gamete Donor for the First Time: The Letter.
You might not get a second chance to make a first impression.
12/4/23
Donor Offspring: Curiosity, Connecting, & Attachment Theory
Securely attached individuals are more likely to have a positive experience.
2022 Published Articles
3/6/22
Supporting Donor Family Members:
Adequate counseling and education are vital.
3/25/22
A Brief History of Donor Conception:
Looking at eight centuries of manipulating sperm.
4/19/22
Words Have Power in Sperm and Egg Donor Families:
The language of reproductive medicine can be tricky.
5/5/22
Happy Mother's Day to Solo Moms (of Donor Kids):
Personal Perspective: A special shout-out to single mother (only) parents.
5/27/22
Donor Conception: Questions for Prospective Parents:
Issues and themes to ponder when considering using donor gametes.
6/23/22
Truth and Honesty in Families of Donor-Conceived Children:
Early disclosure is crucial for building a happy and healthy family.
7/21/22
A Dearth of Adequate Gamete Donor and Recipient Counseling:
Education and counseling before selling or buying sperm and eggs is crucial.
8/25/22
Are You Thinking About Donating Your Sperm or Eggs?
A few practical, ethical, emotional, and medical issues to consider.
9/26/22
Nature and Nurture in Donor Families:
Biological and non-biological parents matter.
10/26/22
Tips for Parents of Adult Donor-Conceived People:
Are you about to disclose, or do you have a child who just found out the truth?
11/28/22
DNA: Donors Not Anonymous:
Sperm and egg donor anonymity has not been possible since 2005.
12/13/22
Secrecy v. Privacy in Donor Families: Walking the fine line between privacy and secrecy is inherent in donor families.
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April
Wendy: Panel “Trail Blazers”
Ryan: Panel "Male Perspectives on Adoption, Assisted Reproduction, and NPEs"
The Untangling Our Roots (UTOR) conference, Denver, CO.
June
Wendy & Ryan: The 2024 LGBTQ2IA+ Families Then and Now webinar series that explores the changing landscape of LGBTQ2IA+ parenting.
July
All Together: The Family Science Insights Podcast "Donor Conception Chronicles: Open Dialogues and Ethical Choices in Creating Families."
2025
Counseling Donor Family Members
The 33rd World Congress on Controversies in Obstetrics, Gynecology and Infertility (COGI). Rome, Italy.
Invites:
11/24: The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy
11/24: The 32nd World Congress on Controversies in Obstetrics, Gynecology, and Infertility (COGI)., Lisbon, Portugal.
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Your Family: A Donor Kid’s Story is a sweet and light-hearted picture book that answers the question "Where did I come from?” and then gently introduces the concepts of half-siblings and donors openly and honestly. The book starts with the parent’s desire to have a baby, and the use of a donor, and then broaches the topic of half-siblings and biological parents/donors. A perfect book for donor-conceived children and their parents in all family types to learn about how they were conceived and to understand that being curious about their unknown genetic origins and relatives is natural.
Just as there are many family types, there are also many ways to define a child’s family and their donor relatives. Reading this book with your young donor-conceived child can initiate or supplement important and ongoing dialog about these genetic connections. These early conversations are integral for creating a happy and healthy donor child and family.
"A lovely book for children who were conceived with donor sperm or egg. Parents in all kinds of families will find it very helpful in explaining their child’s conception story in a gentle simple and positive way."
—Jane Mattes, L.C.S.W., psychotherapist and Founder/Director of Single Mothers by Choice
"Having worked with Wendy Kramer for many years I know her organization, the Donor Sibling Registry, is valuable to the LGBTQ parenting community. We’ve published family stories that talk about how DSR has brought joy to not just the half-siblings discovering each other but to their gay parents as well. Kramer’s children’s book Your Family: A Donor Kid’s Story is an important contribution to the LGBTQ community and a great addition to the homes of all parents with donor-conceived children."
—Angeline Acain, publisher and editor, Gay Parent Magazine
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Finding Our Families: A First-of-Its-Kind Book for Donor-Conceived People and their Families
Millions of people have been born with the help of donor sperm or eggs, including Wendy Kramer’s son. Realizing the unique concerns of being or parenting a donor-conceived child, Kramer launched what would become the world’s largest database for connecting donor-conceived people, the Donor Sibling Registry (DSR).
Finding Our Families provides additional support for this growing community. With compassion and insight, the authors draw on extensive research to address situations families face throughout a donor-conceived child’s development, including the search for a biological parent or half-sibling and how to forge a healthy self-image.
"The book successfully honors its promise to deliver the tools necessary to help donor-conceived children discover and explore their genetic legacies.” —Publishers Weekly
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Donor Family Matters
The story of Wendy Kramer and her donor-conceived child, Ryan, who eventually found his biological father and [now 29] half-siblings. Wendy and Ryan created the Donor Sibling Registry, the world’s largest platform for mutual-consent contact of sperm, egg, and embryo donors, donor-conceived children and adults, and their parents.
Educate the child. Raise him or her without biases of any kind. Teach him or her to trust in others but to rely on self. Instill in him or her a sense of humor and the ability to enjoy life.”
Penned on a sperm bank intake form, these words of advice from Donor 1058 to the future recipients of his donations became a parental motto for one particular recipient, Wendy Kramer, who would go on to found the Donor Sibling Registry (DSR). With more than 92,000 members in 105 countries, the DSR is the world’s largest platform for sperm, egg, and embryo donors, donor-conceived children and adults, and their parents to connect and share information through mutual consent contact. In her role with the DSR, Wendy has become a leading advocate for donor families and for reformation of the modern profit-driven donor conception industry.
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