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There was a time in my life when I had been out of work for eight months, when I had drained my savings and reached the limits on my credit cards, and my only prospect, a job out of state, fell through. Soon the eviction papers showed up at my door, and I had no other option than to begin the process of declaring bankruptcy. I felt like a complete failure. Surely nothing else could happen to me...
That very week, I was crossing the street. Usually I didn't wait for the light, or walk between the white lines, but this time, I decided I would. That's when the car hit me.
At the moment of impact, just as I realized I had no power to stop the car, I felt myself hit the ground. My only thought was PLEASE GOD MAKE THIS QUICK AND PAINLESS. There was nothing else I could do but surrender, and I remember asking my guides for help. Looking back, I see that moment as the turning point. It was as if, by surrendering, I got out of my own way and left a space, an opportunity, for the Universe to let me, gradually, find my way back. Yes, it took that much for me!
As I was lying under the car, feeling the pain in my neck and knees, I knew that at least I was still alive. I was able to crawl out from under the car, and I sat on the curb and cried. The woman who'd been driving got out with her cell phone in her hand and told me she was having a fight with her brother. I can still see her face and the phone at her ear. I stumbled home in a daze.
A few weeks later, after visits to doctors, nursing my bruises and some physical therapy, I had to appear in housing court for not paying my full rent.
That was an eye-opening experience! Hundreds of people were there with the same plight, and I joined a long line to speak before the judge. Soon a woman approached me and introduced herself as my landlord's attorney. As we talked, she realized that my lease ran from the 15th to the 15th and I wasn't even a full month overdue. We left the line and went to the clerk to ask for an extension. I wasn't out on the street quite yet!
The following week I went to bankruptcy court. At bankruptcy court you enter a courtroom, you go in front of the judge, you tell your story, the judge declares bankruptcy for the debtor, and it all seems to go quickly. Except for me.
When my turn came, I stepped up to the judge's bench and began recounting my story - and suddenly, a man I didn't know stood up. He said he represented one of my credit cards and that he objected to clearing my debt! This man told the judge he felt I had the ability to pay the money back. Such a vote of confidence! (It actually was, but I couldn't recognize that at the time.) So I was not allowed to clear my debts, and instead, I would need to appear a few weeks later in front of another judge. In the meantime, I was told, the man, an attorney for the credit card company, would come to my home to meet with me. I remember wondering if we were going to share my one blue beach chair - the only piece of furniture I had left.
But before we were to meet, I was required to send him all my financial documents for the previous ten years. I couldn't understand why it had been so easy for everyone before me, and now my process was so complex. I had to put on a Perry Mason hat and defend myself, since I didn't have the money to hire an attorney. How, God, I asked - how did I get here? Me, the girl who'd had a box of money under her bed by the time she was 13 years old. If this was a gift from the Universe, I wanted to know the policy on returns!
When I appeared before the second judge, I asked for a court-appointed attorney. The judge's response was no - not in a case like mine. As I was leaving the room, a lawyer approached and said he would help me pro bono. I was very grateful, yet couldn't help wondering if he was in cahoots with the credit card man! At that point I decided I really didn't care. I had to let go - with the legal process wearing me down, requiring tons of paperwork and so much energy and time, I knew I couldn't handle it alone.
But was I, actually, all alone? No, not really. Our guides, angels and Higher Power are always there, steering us toward the lessons the soul is here to learn. Someone explained to me around then that I was being stripped down in order to reveal my true self. They were so right. There came a night when I was down on my knees without an ounce of strength left, and in that moment I knew I couldn't handle any more. If God had given me one more pebble on top of the boulders, I knew I would be crushed. Once again, I was called on to surrender.
And then slowly, one by one, things began to change. Many surprising gifts landed my way. The pro bono attorney. The uncle I hadn't spoken with in many years who got in touch offering to pay the month's rent I owed. That very same day, I had an interview and was offered a part-time position. And then a neighbor hired me as his personal assistant, a job that involved everything from keeping his calendar to maintaining his apartment, watering his plants, even making him chicken soup.
With the help of my lawyer, I arrived at a settlement with the credit card company; and now that I had an income again - much smaller, but steady - I was able to actually pay back my debt, at $100 a month, until it was finally cleared. My credit was later fully restored.
I'd never known that cleaning someone's apartment could be a gift. Or that there could be angels who weren't otherwise angels! Or that even bankruptcy could be the seed that blossoms into the real fruits of life. This stripping down to nothing, to only myself, revealed to me, in a way nothing else ever could have, the fallacy of my old beliefs, including one regarding money: the notion that I was who I was because of what I earned. And now I know that whatever difficulties come my way, I can flow a bit more easily with the vicissitudes of life.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, that there are no mistakes on the path of awakening. Almost two years ago, I was invited to join a company whose mission is to help individuals and businesses with credit restoration and education. I'd made a conscious choice many years earlier that I wanted to use my gifts and talents somehow to be of service to others; but I have to laugh at how the Universe works - I could never have seen this coming! This wasn't what I'd envisioned for myself. And yet, this must be where I was needed. As I started reviewing clients' credit reports, I was able to reassure others that they, too, would find their way. Without all I went through myself in the darkest days of my soul, I'm not sure I would have been given the opportunity to use my experiences to make a difference in this way.
So do I dare acknowledge today that I'm grateful for the losses and the "failures" I was once so ashamed of? The answer would have to be "Yes!"
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"Somehow our moments of deep despair and gut-wrenching desperation serve as evolutionary portals to a higher level of grace and resolve. The breakdown itself is the gateway to the breakthrough...Remember, life is never happening to you, it is always happening for you." -- Mina Grace Drake (in Tiny Buddah)
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