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Shemos- Rebuke
For this year’s Parsha Lesson I will be applying the lesson that can be derived from the Dvar Torah to the world as we know it today.
Background
At the beginning of this week’s parsha, the Torah lists all of the sons of Yakov. The commentators explain that this is to highlight the fact that even though Yakov had so many sons, and they were all quite different from each other, nevertheless they were all righteous. In fact, they were so righteous that they became the 12 tribes of the Jewish nation.
To contrast, Avraham, Yitzchak and Dovid Hamelech all had children who were wicked and strayed from the path of their righteous parents. Yakov, on the other hand, had a family of strong, independent and unique sons- who were all completely righteous.
Rabbeinu Bachya (b. 1255, d. 1340, Zaragoza, Spain), in his introduction to Parshas Shemos, explains that Yakov’s secret was that he knew how to properly give rebuke and his sons were worthy and ready recipients of rebuke. Yakov gave rebuke softly, and consistently, with the focus and aim for his rebuke to enter into his sons’ hearts.
Why is rebuke so important?
Simply put, one must be able to accept and grapple their errors if they want to live properly. Man was put into the world, frail and prone to error, with a mandate to grow and improve. Someone who cannot accept that they have made mistakes, is someone who cannot grow and improve.
In fact, Rabbeinu Bachya explains, the entirety of the Torah serves to rebuke man and help man in the struggle of this world: the struggle between the spiritual and the physical. It is therefore of profound importance for both the moment and for the child’s future that the child learns to accept rebuke, and to learn from it how to improve themselves going forward.
Question
When inspiring one’s self towards repentance and change, as we know from many Torah sources, it is most effective to use as powerful emotion as possible- in order to move one’s self. A person needs to be moved emotionally in order to improve. And, in fact, the natural reaction of people when rebuking others is to aim for the same, incisive emotional charge.
Why then when it comes to rebuke is it in fact the other way around!? Why when rebuking someone else is it important that the rebuke be done softly, calmly and gently- with as little emotion as possible?
Answer
A close reading of Rabbeinu Bachya provides us with the answer. The goal of rebuke is not to move the recipient of our rebuke emotionally, just the opposite- we want there to be as little emotional response to our rebuke as possible. Why?
Because the ultimate goal of rebuke is for one’s words of rebuke to ‘enter into the heart’ of the one receiving the rebuke. The natural reaction to being told that one is doing something wrong is to resist greatly any idea of one’s mistakes. When this reaction is provoked, the words of rebuke have no hope of entering into the heart of the one receiving the rebuke.
Rebuke is supposed to only awaken the logical reasoning of the recipient to the error of their ways, and then the recipient themselves must make the choice to change and to act properly. In order for this to happen, rebuke must be done softly and gently.
Lesson for our world
Very often parents and educators confuse ‘rebuke’, which is supposed to be a tool of education, with controlling the behavior of a child. At times, a child’s behavior must be controlled for the safety and well being of the child. If a child is doing something dangerous- playing with fire, running into the street, etc.- then a strong emotional response is called for. In those situations the child must react instinctively and recoil at such a situation in the future.
However, when it comes to making choices and educating children in the proper way to live- emotion, from the parent or teacher, is the undoing and foil for their rebuke to take hold in the hearts of their children. Why? Because the emotion will cause the child’s ego to be activated and not allow the child to consider that perhaps they have done something wrong. To educate means to open our children’s eyes to wisdom and insight as to how to make the proper choices and to understand where they have erred. The choice as to how to act is theirs and theirs alone- as a human being who has been created in the image of G-d, with free will.
In today’s day and age there is much hand-wringing from parents and educators how children ‘don’t get it’ and are totally unreceptive to any amount of criticism. The conclusion that many come to is that education can only be done by cheerleading that which kids get right. While it is good to ‘catch them being good’, we also need to open our children up to receiving rebuke and consider that they may be wrong. However, the only way this will happen is if it is done softly, firmly- but lovingly, without emotion, and consistently.
If we can get it right, we will raise children who know right from wrong, and are able to be ready recipients of rebuke. Our children will have the confidence to look at their behavior, objectively, and recognize where they have made mistakes, and make the right choices in the future.
Wishing you a wonderful Shabbos,
Rabbi Eli Meir Kramer
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