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As a kid, if I wanted to do something out of the ordinary, I asked my father first. “Dad, I think I would like to try skydiving. Is that alright?” (No, I have never skydived). My father would respond that it was fine with him, but that I needed to first ask my mother. And of course, my mother would quickly put the kibosh on the idea. This led to a famous saying in our house – “Dad said yes, but mom said no.” Needless to say, my mother was unhappy about this phrase, so we only said it in private.
Parents had differing roles in ancient times as well. While no generalization is a perfect reflection of reality, on balance it’s fair to say that mothers were the more compassionate and reasonable, while fathers instilled a (healthy) sense of fear. It was easier, in this formulation, to love your mother, but easier to accept discipline from your father.
The sages, thankfully, didn’t accept this role division. Fathers needed to be loved, and mothers needed to be feared. That’s why, in commenting on Leviticus 19:3, the 3rd century CE midrash Mechilta d’Rabbi Ishmael (Bachodesh 8:7) observes:
R. Eliezer says, “It is revealed and known to Him who spoke and brought the world into being that a man honors his mother more than he does his father because she cajoles him with words — therefore he placed father before mother with respect to honor (i.e., "Honor your father and your mother"). And it is revealed and known to Him who spoke and brought the world into being that a man fears his father more than he does his mother because he teaches him Torah — therefore he placed mother before father with respect to fear. But perhaps whoever comes first in Scripture takes precedence in practice? (This is not so,) for it is written "A man, his mother and his father shall you fear," (the Hebrew phrasing implying that) they are equivalent in practice.”
What’s remarkable about this passage is that it comes at a time when women’s equality was unknown. Women were, generally speaking, forbidden from testifying in court, limited in their ability to acquire property and not always free to choose their marriage partner. The sages’ assumptions about women would be unacceptable today (e.g., women are “flighty” – “da’atan kallah alayhen.”)
In the home, by contrast, a more egalitarian ethic prevailed. Women’s roles were not fully equal to those of males, but the disparities were much smaller. Women’s voices weren’t always accepted in the public domain, but they were often accepted in the private domain.
Wonder if they had to say no like my mother, z”l, to save children from themselves.
- Rabbi Scott Hoffman
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