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Adolescents and Young Adults are experiencing the highest rate of anxiety and depression ever reported in the US.
According to a report from the COVID States Project, "...nearly half (49%) of respondents reported symptoms of depression, with 26% reporting moderate symptoms or worse, the level at which follow-up care would typically be recommended in a clinical setting." (April 2022)
The rate of depression in the adolescent and young adult population was climbing pre-pandemic; however, we are now measuring the impact of over two years of disruption in the experiences and milestones that help preserve and define mental wellness. How can parents and caregivers help young people heal?
Most young people will recover from the setbacks in academics, skill acquisition, and social growth in time through the normal course of life, but many will require additional parenting, time, and some professional interventions to feel secure and confident again. The group of young people at the highest risk right now are those who were struggling with psychological and psychiatric issues pre-pandemic. At Insight Counseling, we see many of these young people finally recover as we address the current issues and underlying risks.
Adolescence and young adulthood are times of striving, making mistakes, failing, and learning and, therefore, full of emotion and some conflict with parents, caregivers, and even social norms themselves. Young people must attempt to make strides in the world without parental pushes or even parents’ knowledge. We know that what can seem like random new interests, secretiveness, or defiance is often needed for a healthy separation from family. COVID shut down many venues for this activity for at least 18 months. Not surprisingly, research demonstrates an 18-month to 2-year delay in development for many young adults.
For most young people, parents and other adults provide gentle encouragement and 'nudging" to take more social risks and catch up in other skill areas (like working full time, taking college courses, returning to school, and taking on more adult experiences like car maintenance, cooking, etc.) will be enough to bridge this gap in skills. For parents and caregivers of young people who have tried ‘nudging’ only to be met with resistance, passivity, or anger, I recommend a structured game plan that may include assessment for depression and or anxiety. Moving forward in life is a sure sign of returning mental health, even when the movement is choppy, imperfect, and appears random. Again, this is how young people figure out the life paths best suited to them. Inaction or passivity are warning signs that need to be addressed. Activity and work are essential for mental health for all of us, and parents need to insist that young people re-enter the world one step at a time with as much encouragement as possible and sometimes with limits.
This is the hardest part of parenting, facing a necessary action step that our children need to take on, knowing in advance they may balk or be deeply resistant. Most humans meet expectations that we know we have not yet met with resistance and even anger despite recognizing that the expectations are reasonable and good for us. Parents and caregivers must be persistent, calm, and clear about what young people are expected to do to reach milestones. Persistence is key, with small steps presented and expected within a time frame and offering examples and assistance.
I’ll use an example with a recent client to illustrate this idea.
Michael, a 20-year-old man who stopped taking college classes during COVID-19, moved back home and experienced real symptoms of anxiety. He needed help moving past his avoidance of a full re-entry into life. Although he listened to his parents ‘push’ and began working a part-time job, he also became overly engaged in video games and sports betting (and incurred $2400 debt online). At first, when his parents found out about his compulsive behaviors and debt, they were very angry. Still, they came to understand that he was coping with clinical anxiety and a real fear of “never measuring up again” and being “a lifetime failure.” Clearly, these were examples of distorted thoughts and beliefs that he continued to work on in therapy.
In therapy, his parents worked on a calendar with him, removed his access to 5G internet for all but two hours a day, and agreed to help him pay off his debt (a 36% loan from a sports betting app) as he worked on tangible chores at the house (hauling a truck full of debris from the yard, painting two rooms, cleaning the gutters and a few other substantial jobs). As expected, Michael was angry initially and “rebelled” by starting to work full-time. This was a step forward, and he eventually began adding chores at home to stop the interest from accumulating. After five months of working full-time in retail, Michael was ready to take college classes locally. His parents made an expectation: 20 hours of employment and two classes to start. With his debt paid off and classes starting, they removed his 5G access restriction. He’s now in his second semester of classes, managing three classes and working two nights a week as a waiter. There were times during this process when his parents wanted to give in more and wipe out his debt without his taking full responsibility, and they even felt sorry for him when he would whine about his menial job. We coached the parents and asked them to share all the entry-level and physical jobs they had both had until they graduated from college. We often forget that a struggle or an” empty belly” is often the best motivator for all of us, and many parents who have achieved higher status than they were born into forget how this struggle built their work ethic and values. It's detrimental not to allow our own children to enter the struggle for themselves.
If the above suggestion does not fit, or your child will not agree to professional help, I suggest a structured and firm approach. Loving parents sometimes avoid the conflict that can come from pushing young people out of their comfort zones, even as they know that is what must happen. Our coaching philosophy is to be validating and firm: "If you cannot return to classes or work, we see this as a sign that you need some professional help moving forward. We are not angry, but we will insist you see a therapist to help you find your way."
When should a parent/caregiver worry? If your teen or young adult seems stuck developmentally and does not honor requests to move forward, this is a sign that it is time to seek professional help. If your child is neglecting personal hygiene, isolating most of the time, non-communicative, and angry with you more often than not, you need outside help. Of course, if you find that substance abuse is happening or if your child ever mentions suicide, you must act quickly. There are many excellent resources through rtor.org to help guide you to the right professional help.
Please don’t give up, and please don’t give in to unacceptable behaviors in your teen or young adult. The road to recovery is not as long and bumpy as you may fear. The only mistake you can make is taking a ‘wait and see’ approach when your child may need a loving and firm push forward.
Liz Driscoll Jorgensen is a therapist with 35 years of experience. She is a Newport Healthcare clinical consultant and owns Insight Counseling, LLC, in Ridgefield, CT. You can reach her by email at liz@insightcounselingllc.com.
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