August 2022

     Me Me Me

Me Me Me vs Taking Care of Oneself

        I heard an interesting tidbit about egoism a while back... "Egoism is the root of all conflict in the world." Intuitively that makes perfect sense. Conflict stems from the belief that one person or group possesses superior knowledge and that they have the right to impose their views on others. This righteousness sets the stage for a "you vs. me" mentality that leads to feelings of separateness. Differences are accentuated and vilified. We are ready and willing to fight for our way. In the process our similarities, our humanness, and what we all share in common gets lost in the mix.

         It can be easy for someone who finds themselves in the role of caretaker to grapple with feelings of guilt and egotism when they yearn to put themselves first. Or someone who studies to get into medical school and neglects their social relationships to feel bad about themselves. Or someone who takes a new job which requires them to move away feels like they are abandoning their old workmates. These situations are due to not honoring yourself, rather than being egotistical.

        In this month’s newsletter we’ll explore the difference between taking care of oneself and being egotistical and offer practical suggestions for those who lean towards the “me at the expense of others” attitude.

        I’ll begin by translating egoism into the Attitude Reconstruction model. Possessing this attitude, "I am the center of the universe and I know what's right," is born of unexpressed anger. There are four core attitudes associated with this emotion. First, is a tendency to focus outside yourself onto other people, things, and situations. Secondly, you don't accept these people, things and situations the way they are. Third, you judge the differences between yourself and others negatively, focusing on what you don't like. And finally, you believe if others could just see things the way you do and agree (you being right and superior), then things would be hunky-dory. Attitude number four is completely self-centered, another word for egotistical, but all four anger attitudes are behind this sense of entitlement.

The Rx for an Egotistical Attitude

I see a three-pronged attack to combat an egotistical attitude.

         One strategy is to give generously, and this can take many forms. Practice acts of selfless giving, repeat for weeks or longer so it becomes natural, "Fake it 'til you make it." It's okay to pretend until your old selfishness dwindles away, and your heart opens up once again.

         You can:

* Stop giving unsolicited advice and ignoring the wishes and opinions of others.

* Give material things, like gifts, flowers, money, cards, etc.

* Ask, "How can I help?" and carry through on promises you make

* Volunteer for a constructive cause

* Become a mentor, share your skills, experience, and knowledge with others

* Be affectionate. Genuinely use words of endearment, like honey, sweetie, dear

* Give loving looks, warm smiles, non-demanding hugs

* Give sexually without expecting anything in return

* Be generous with appreciations, praise, and applause

* Appreciate those who feel sad, understand those who feel angry, and reassure those who are fearful (extend the three communication bridges)

* Be welcoming and friendly. Take the initiative and express a heartfelt greeting ("I'm so glad to see you.") 

* Listen with an open heart and without thinking about answers or solutions.

* Think loving thoughts throughout the day (see below)

* Speaking honestly about personal matters

* Give thanks, silently and out loud

          The second strategy is to surrender the habit of having things "your way." Practice looking at life and making decisions based on what's best for the whole: family, community, and planet. Cooperate, collaborate, and compromise. Teamwork is more cumbersome because you have to integrate divergent perspectives and desires but it's fun and creates a connection with others and life.

          The third way to chip away at this attitude is to interrupt your me-first thoughts and continually repeat to yourself something along the lines of:

     Helping you is helping me.

     Love first.

     I wish you well. 

The Wrap Up

        Whenever you start to feel pushy, righteous, entitled, or suspect you are being self-centered, you can distinguish if a given action is driven by selfish motives or not, by pausing, consulting your intuition, and obeying whether it feels right in your heart. Sometimes you need to honor what's best for yourself, your spirit, your health, your psyche, and that can feel selfish. But it's not.

           Learning to tap into your heart and speak and act from there is the surefire way to monitor who is driving your boat. Remember to ask yourself, does a given action produce genuine feelings of joy, love, and peace? If so, ignore the contrary chatter, and go for it.