When asked what my fall was going to look like, after dropping my youngest child and wrapping up 24 years of full time, day- in and day-out parenting responsibilities, I teased- repeatedly- and stupidly- that I’d probably get really sick and need to just sleep for like a whole month.”

Well, here I am, tracking towards it, almost three weeks into a stomach flu, Covid and a respiratory infection, with little energy for much besides an occasional drive or dog stroll to take in the brilliant fall in front of me. Likely I caught this at college drop-off in Denver, and then doubled down as I passed back through there and spent a night with a head cold- riddled daughter.

Be careful of what you say out loud too many times- you just may manifest it! I do believe there can be truth to that.  This time, though, I think it was merely that quiet still voice telling me what I already knew I needed.  

I needed to slow down, rest, recuperate. It’s been a lot of change and movement and life excitement for a long time.

Truth is, I had one more big jaunt across the country in me, and that was to help my son move into his first apartment.  But, I ran outa steam. And, apparently Mother Nature was going to interrupt my best laid plans anyway by throwing a monsoon into the mix on his move-in day. 

So, my son sits on the floor of his apartment putting desks and beds together from a million little pieces, as I check in by phone and face time telling him mom things like, “open the windows; cheap furniture off gases.”  I realize as I convalesce across the country that he will learn more by doing this alone than he would with me there.  Even if it takes a bit longer, he will get it done.  

Take the mattress for example. As I warned him about the plush headboard and carpet off gassing; he added “and mattress.” Then went on to tell me he had crashed out last night on his new mattress without sheets and woke up smelling like “that bad new mattress smell.” I assured him he’d survive, and was reminded that little things like this are better learned by experiencing them, rather than me stopping them, and interrupting the lesson. So it goes so often.  

So, my reflection is just as much about letting go of my day- to-day, sometimes even hour-to-hour role of parent, as it is about observing, and being honest with myself about who it was who really needed me to be busy-at-work in New York this weekend. 

I am oh-so-aware of the co-dependency dynamic that can creep after a long stint of needing to be somewhere, tend to something, or someone.  I felt it with an ill and aging parent who happened to be extremely difficult, making the demands of her health situation impossible. I can’t pretend I’d wish a minute of those difficult years back, but I do remember being aware of how her on-going needs had come to structure my time. Complete resignation to having no freedom does not prepare you for moments when you do.

The dynamic of newfound time and space can be overwhelming. I believe there is a continuum, with most things, that runs between us being responsible and co-dependent. It’s easy to inadvertently slide down it.  As time marches on we get used to, sometimes resigned to, being in certain roles and having to take care of certain things. Those receiving our care get comfortable here as well. It’s easy to become stuck here.

Co-dependency –it’s really the same as the attachment that Buddha spoke of when he explained enlightenment as a place of non-attachment, with attachment being the root of all suffering.  Jesus spoke of the same; “Let go of your fear, and just be, like a bird, and you will be taken care of, as they are. Don’t be attached to your thinking, worrying and your problem solving; just trust.” (My interpretation of His word:)

These wonderful writings on recovery by Melody Beatty, shared below, jumped out at me from a book on my “sickbed” side table. I love her work, and think back to the many times her books have floated into my life. She has many great writings on co-dependency, a term that I continue to deepen my understanding of.

The following excerpt is from the book  The Language of Letting Go which includes daily words of wisdom; I hope you find them as fruitful and timely this fall as I do.  

As we recover from one season, before taking on the next, simply being in this moment- quietly, and reflectively- seems to be the best medicine of all!

Detaching in Love

by Melody Beattie



Detachment is a key to recovery from codependency. It strengthens our healthy relationships -the ones that we want to grow and flourish. It benefits our difficult relationships-the ones that are teaching us to cope. It helps us!

Detachment is not something we do once. It's a daily behavior in recovery. We learn it when we're beginning our recovery from codependency and adult children issues.

And we continue to practice it along the way as we grow and change, and as our relationships grow and change.

We learn to let go of people we love, people we like, and those we don't particularly care for. We separate ourselves, and our process, from others and their process.

We relinquish our tight hold and our need to control in our relationships. We take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same. We detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves. The way life unfolds is good, even when it hurts.

And ultimately, we can benefit from even the most difficult situations. We do this with the understanding that a Power greater than ourselves is in charge, and all is well.