Hey Jude!
Many of us are in the habit of talking much more than listening. Can you go over the basics of how to listen well.
Listening Don'ts
The following is a list of listening don'ts. I suggest you remind yourself of them often and refrain from indulging yourself.
* Interrupting
* Leaping into problem solving
* Offering unsolicited advice or opinions
* Finishing others' sentences
* Changing the topic
* Matching stories
* Debating or challenging
* Cornering or interrogating
* Multi-tasking
The Art of Listening
The best way to show you're listening is to close your mouth, shut out background noise, and give the other person undivided attention. Full attention when someone else is speaking also means you're not already gearing up for an opportunity to counter with your own opinions or solutions.
You may think you're demonstrating empathy when you interrupt another person's story to chime in about your own experience. But you may be surprised to find the other person doesn't really care about a "bigger fish" story; they just wore their heart on their sleeve and you're trying to one up them! Communication has turned into competition.
If you tend to interrupt or dominate every conversation, slap some imaginary duct tape on your mouth when someone else is speaking. Hogging the airtime or not paying attention to another person who's speaking will produce anger in others. When you don't listen to someone, you're failing to acknowledge that person as an equal. And that's never going to inspire good feelings. The other person perceives it as a violation and may respond accordingly. Listening well, on the other hand, promotes love. It's a form of selfless giving and an invitation to connect.
Just because you understand a person's position doesn't automatically mean you agree with it. For love to flourish, you must fully accept that the other people's viewpoints and needs are as valid as yours. This seems to be challenging for many who have developed strong opinions about everything from politics to mothering techniques. Earnestly listening to people makes them feel comfortable and safe.
Further Listening Suggestions
1. To encourage a withdrawn person to talk, lovingly say, " Tell me more" or " More details please."
2. Smile and nod a lot. These nonverbal gestures express an open and compassionate stance of listening.
3. Support yourself mentally when listening and silently repeat such phrases as: Your viewpoints and needs are as valid as mine. Or when they're talking about you rather than themselves, think: They are "you-ing" me, and what they're saying says nothing about me.
4. If a topic fills you with big doses of sadness, anger, or fear, ask for and take a short time-out to deal with your emotions. Then return to listening.
The End
We don't have to look or listen hard to find these four violations. They are in virtually every setting and are at the root of communication breakdowns and are responsible for the resulting distance we feel from others. The four rules on the other hand, bring loving, effective communication and feelings of connection. Remember: share your own experience, use specifics, stick to kindness, and listen. These are very simple (but not easy) rules. The rewards of living by them are infinite and supremely satisfying.
