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This is a true story shared with permission. Reader discretion is advised for reproductive loss.
I grew up in a Christian home. In fact, my dad was the pastor. Being a pastor’s kid came with a lot more pressure to be perfect and never fail. I learned that my fear of my dad was stronger than my fear of God.
One day this landed me in a tough spot. I went through a rebellious phase and found myself pregnant at the age of 19. Living on my own, I was certain I could handle any obstacle. But pregnant?! No, way!
My boyfriend told me we can take care of it easily by going to an abortion clinic. I didn’t even know what was growing inside me. I didn’t know what an abortion was. No one at the clinic explained anything. I wasn’t even shown the ultrasound. During the D&C I felt an immediate sense of loss and had heavy bleeding for weeks. A few years passed before I understood what happened and why I felt that sense of loss. I LOST MY BABY!
Life moved on as I married a wonderful Christian man. I told him about my abortion before we married. He was supportive. He helped me work through some of the grief.
Within a few years we were expecting our first baby. He was a beautiful baby boy. What a blessing! Having a baby to hold brought some healing. A few years later I was pregnant again. This time I miscarried. At the hospital I wasn’t delivering another baby to hold. It was a D&C for the miscarriage.
I lost it. Flashes of my abortion flooded my mind and body. Tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t speak. That same feeling of pressure, scraping, and loss! It was enough to tell my husband, “I can’t do this! I never want to be pregnant again!”
We count our boy a blessing and a picture of hope and God’s redemption. He is now a married man and father to our two precious grandchildren.
Still, after thirty years, I struggle with feelings of regret, loss, emptiness, and questions. I know I am forgiven. God’s grace is sufficient. At times I hear the yelling and disapproval of other Christians making me feel unredeemable. My husband gently reminds me, as he holds me in his arms, that God is the giver of forgiveness, new life, and hope.
This year my body is changing. Menopause has begun. I wasn’t expecting regret to flood my soul from an abortion 30 years ago! But it hit me: I will never bear children again.
Thankfully, I found a provider who helped me process the grief. She asked me if I had ever named my lost babies. I never heard of that. She suggested this could help with the healing process. That night I told my husband about this. I decided to name my first baby Hope whom I lost to abortion. I have hope for meeting our baby again. Hope for the forgiveness and grace from God. Hope for healing. Now, with a name for our little one, peace and closure surrounded both our hearts.
For any woman facing an unexpected pregnancy, whether in the church, outside of the church, in college, in high school, please reach out to someone for help. Don’t make a decision you will regret the rest of your life. If you’ve had an abortion and struggle with guilt and shame, I pray my story will give you hope for your healing.
This story is shared with permission. Names have been left out to protect client privacy.
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