Ever feel like it’s just you? You, with your forced grin and honed laugh trying to blend in but you stick out like Liz Truss at an Imposter Syndrome convention. Do you, like me, not get the whole “Strictly” thing and its irksome one word shortening? Do frozen mojitos leave you cold?  The Crown may fit but you won’t be watching it?

Strangely enough when you are in Outsider mode few will offer - “Totally there with you, girlfriend,” or even the less committal “I hear you” or the one up man-ship like “Been there, done it, got the t shirt.” Everyone likes to follow the masses but sometimes you think the “m” should be dropped.

While it is human nature to seek out those who have been through or are yearning for a similar experience, to seek connection and share stories and wisdom, it is equally human to feel as if no one really gets what you are on about; that you are the Only One.

This is particularly true of universal but painful experiences, like illness, depression, redundancy, bereavement, an end of a friendship/relationship or divorce. Or even those real down days that feel grey and colourless while everyone else seems to be living a Technicolor dream with a Prosecco chaser and selfie back-ups.

Everyone will have been dealt a bum hand at life at some point (one of those few life guarantees) but we feel our pain is unique to us and therefore isolating and perhaps even, somehow, shameful.

While social media allows us to “over share” and flood light others with the most explicit and intimate revelations the words of commiseration or celebration (if you’ve just notched up 25 years of marriage, for example, it can be the same deal) are not the same thing as a hug from an old pal, or even a 2am tearful phone call.

If we are all so connected, why do we all feel so alone, when it comes to the crunch? You may be the Mild One or the Wild One or the “is it just me not getting this?” One but here’s the rub – we are all fully paid-up members of the Outsider Club but some of us have unwittingly upgraded to premium membership.

Connection is everything. Finding a good pal, soul mate, a tribe or even a palatable gym buddy does help but it’s about making connection wherever you can with other club members. Chat in your local shop, get friendly with cashiers, receptionists, colleagues in the corner – decide to leave a footprint, handshake or even smile with all you meet. We are all in it together until the Membership Secretary calls time on us.

In the meantime, here are a few tips to help:

• Have a download doula – a good friend who will sit with you, put you on loudspeaker or text with you while you rant and shout it out. They offer nods, understanding and some judicious wisdom. This will salve your sanity and offer the same in return. 
• Name it to tame it – write down the words for what you are feeling – i.e. “A sort of icky sandpaper-like envy for my friend’s weight loss and hot new job” – “low level feelings of anxiety and dread for no discernible reason” or “tired of being the mopper upper, peace maker and needs swallower. Where’s my break?”
• No one has the perfect life no matter what front they put forward on social media.
• Get that we are not our thoughts or emotions –they are just passing through and will pass. Allow them in, acknowledge and don’t judge them and wait for them to go.
• You may find this poem by the Persian poet Rumi is helpful when you see your thoughts and emotions as “guests” in the house of you. 

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