Impulsive & Compulsive

“Impulsiveness can be charming but deliberation can have an appeal, as well.” ~~novelist, Sarah Dessen

When I was young, I was very impulsive. I was the one who would hop off to an adventure without giving it much thought. I often relied on my sense of something to make quick decisions, and most of the time, things worked out. I was willing to take risks that others might not, whether in business or in my personal life.

Impulsivity can be a plus or minus, depending on how things turn out. As Sara Dessen's quote above says, taking time to deliberate also has its power. And I am much less likely as I've gotten older to have the urge to hop on a plane and head off to parts unknown. However, I am still very much a person who trusts her instincts and intuition, more than I am a person who needs a large set of data to make a choice. I think perhaps that is because I moved away from fear of making a 'wrong' decision to a perspective that all of it (all of life) is about learning - about discovering more about who I am and what I need to live a happy and fulfilling life.

I'm also compulsive. I use the term compulsive when I think about the habits I acquired and the fact that even today some I most want to change have a pull that is still difficult to ignore. But compulsivity shows up in other ways for me. When I write I tend to write in big batches and then my exhausted brain and fingers need a rest from the screen and the keyboard. I have the same pattern in creative work that was one I had in school as a child. I think it's a bit of a mix of high productivity wrapped in a stew of procrastination and conflicting need for urgency.

I'll have to come up with a new term to describe how I do my creative work. So much of it happens in the mind before I put it down in tangible form. It may look like I'm not doing much, but my imagination is spinning all sorts of tales.

Steve Martin says, "You want to be a bit compulsive in your art or craft, or whatever you do." I understand what he means. It's the passion for something that feeds the compulsion to express creatively. And, when it's going well, and the words are flowing, it is fun. It's when my compulsivity helps me avoid dealing with a problem or an uncomfortable emotion or situation that I experience the downside of it.

How many games of solitaire can one woman play on the computer, you might ask yourself. Well, if it's me avoiding a situation that I haven't quite sorted out, it can be many. Since I'm trying to live a more balanced daily life, I am paying attention to my tendencies for impulsivity and compulsivity. And, little by little, that awareness is leading to different choices that better support me. But, like most efforts to create positive change, it isn't easy.

I invite you this week to think about the terms impulsivity and compulsivity. If, like me, you grew up around addiction and have struggled yourself with addiction, then you are very familiar with both. But everyone has these behaviors to greater or lesser degrees. Only you know how your relationship with each either supports or undermines you.

Today, as my newsletter goes out, it is Yom Kippur, the Jewish holy day of atonement. It is a time of internal reflection and acknowledgement of missteps so one can begin again and step into a new year cleansed of the past. For those of you observing, may you have a meaningful and easy fast.

With love and continuing prayers for Ukraine and all those in need,

Cathleen