A letter from Pastor Arlene
In the world of Pastoral Counseling, often the most common issues congregants seek counseling for have to do with boundaries. Setting, maintaining, respecting, and practicing good boundaries is an ongoing, essential aspect of good mental health. But we often think that the Christian faith and its mandate to compassionate love means that boundaries are invisible, penetrable, or non-existent. Yet, nothing could be farther from the truth!
For instance, first and foremost we find our Creator setting firm boundaries, and as a result God creates order out of chaos. God separates darkness from light, day from night, water from land, etc. God sets the planets in their courses and creates a beginning and an ending. God also sets boundaries for humanity, so that we would love God and love our neighbor as ourselves.
Human love also includes good boundaries. Without boundaries, trouble begins, confusion sets in, and resentment festers. Without good boundaries, we have a hard time letting go and moving on. We lose our sense of self, which is the very foundation for “treating others as you would like to be treated.” (Luke 6:31) Without proper boundaries it becomes harder to know what does and does not belong to us.
In the world of psychology this is known as self-differentiation. Self-differentiation is essential for maintaining proper boundaries, knowing when we’ve overstepped them, and recognizing when others are overstepping ours. Self-differentiation allows us to maintain our boundaries without “owning” what does not belong to us, such as anger, fear, or uncertainty, or any other damaging emotion of those around us.
Jesus knew how to do this well! It is the reason Jesus was able to remain the non-anxious presence, even while standing in the midst of those who attack him. It is the reason Jesus is so easily able to forgive and move on, even when the words or actions of others hurt him.
How are you at maintaining your boundaries? Need some help recognizing what they are? Want to work on your self-differentiation? I can help with that! Just schedule some time to meet and we can begin by having these kinds of important conversations.
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