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Today I am making offerings.
I went out this morning and put my bare feet on the earth at the spot I visit daily underneath the giant eucalyptus tree that shades my apartment.
I bring water, coffee, and flowers.
I thank my Nature Mother and Father for holding me,
for the clarity, strength and courage I needed to get to his place in my life. For receiving all my prayers and pleas for help over the years.
Now, with conviction, I can tell you that I feel solid in myself.
I feel fully supported even when I’m on the edge of some wild unknown. I am excited about my life and for living.
But this was not always true.
Many see me as joyful and funny, a connector and a magic-bringer.
I can be all those things, and I’ve also had many dark moments in my life.
There was a big chapter filled with self loathing, bitterness and jealousy. Gray swaths of time moving through thick fog where I was just ‘faking it’ - playing the part of ‘teacher’ or ‘mom’ where I was going through the motions and just getting by.
I remember when my son was small and the mantra I repeated over and over aloud was:
“I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok,
we’re ok, we’re ok, we’re ok, we’re ok” -
It was all I could do to make it to the playground or library
and I would “pretend” to play with him - and that was the best I could do.
The Nature Parent reconnection work I experienced with my friend and mentor Ellen Kittredge was an immense support for me - the practice I had of making offerings solidified into a daily ritual and became a staple in my life. I was transformed in a way that was palpable in my bones. It’s why these practices are the foundation of the first season of the Heal year long Immersion program.
Now, when my son and I laugh together it is genuine.
When I play - I really play.
When I teach or lead, I am fully present.
Today at dusk I went out to meet the sunset.
It is one of my favorite daily rituals.
Meeting the vast horizon over the Pacific Ocean helps me heal.
It is my favorite place to remember who I am.
I bring my gratitude along with flowers to the ocean.
I am grateful for all that sustains me, but also for the darkest days of my life, for without them, I would not be able to meet the people showing up and asking for support.
A poem for today - this was a medicine poem for me -
I used to cry every time I read it.
Perhaps it might open something in you too…
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The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations –
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life you could save.
~ Mary Oliver
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Today we officially opened the doors to the
yearlong ‘Heal Immersion Program’ with an orientation call.
We pondered:
‘What is healing?’
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I remember when my dad had gotten his stage 4 cancer diagnosis
and was seeking a cure for his cancer.
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We went to see Dr. Lewis Mehl-Madrona for a healing session -
I will always remember what he told my dad:
“You can’t always cure, but you can always heal”
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That was the gift in my dad’s cancer journey - he turned it into a healing journey. He wasn’t cured. But he healed.
I believe one aspect of healing is remembering who we really are.
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Today when I went out and offered my morning offerings
I received this –
‘Healing is:
Presence
Connection
Love
Responsibility’
The last one surprised me - “Oh!” I thought.
“Respond-ability is an ingredient in healing”
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How can we be more and more able to respond to what life brings us?
How can we be supported to respond consciously instead of reacting and causing ourselves or others harm?
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Perhaps some keys are -
Awareness Practice. Spiritual Practice. Silence.
Song Medicine. Nature Medicine. Gratitude. Moving Slow….
These all help me to be Present.
To get back into connection and love.
And to be able to respond to life.
To be in flow,
in balance,
in Sacred Reciprocity.
Yes. For me - this is healing.
So many pathways,
so many ingredients to heal -
Let me know your musings on healing
by clicking ‘reply’ to this post.
I love hearing from you!
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With gratitude,
Jenn
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