“Mourning is the most intense process that most people ever go through. Grief is complex, unpredictable and primal. Many people are frightened by it-frightened by feeling it, frightened by seeing in others. Fortunately, there are ways to move through it, and those ways all involve expressing your feelings. If you act upon your grief, you will make room in your life and in your heart for hope and happiness. If you suppress it, it sticks around forever. However, unpleasant or disturbing some of those feelings may be, there is no benefit in trying to ignore them.”

This is the first paragraph of Chapter 12 in my book co-written with Nancy Hathaway, entitled Giving Sorrow Words: How to Cope with Grief and Get on with Your Life. 

As we approach the holidays and I see more and more people posting remembrances on our Facebook pages, I am reminded of these words over and over again. This year our grief is compounded by COVID-19, political differences, isolation from our family and friends, job losses and so much more. Every day the headlines remind us of how many are still suffering from the deaths of our loved ones as the result of this deadly virus.

The holidays are an especially difficult time for those of us who have lost loved ones no matter what the circumstances. I personally think it’s even worse when those tragedies and anniversaries occur around this time of year or any holiday for that matter.

My daughter, Cari, was killed just before Mother’s Day and I remember how impossible it was for me to function that day. I didn’t want any of the affection given to me by my two remaining children. I didn’t want breakfast in bed, or Mother’s Day cards; I just wanted to crawl into a hole and not feel any more pain. It was difficult for all of us. I will never forget the first Christmas after Cari’s death. The district attorney sent me an envelope with her bloody clothes inside, that included a form letter telling me that now that the case had been resolved, her clothes were no longer needed as evidence. I broke down, sobbed, then got angry, and called them up and gave them a piece of my mind for their insensitivity. All this to say that while some days were tolerable, most (especially in the beginning) were not, and the only way I managed to get through it was taking each day, one step at a time.

I would like to share some things I have learned over the years that have helped me and those I work with who are also grieving. Some of what I would like to share came from the grief facilitating I have done, and even more when I was researching my book. We interviewed hundreds of people and attended a number of grief conferences plus I have faced numerous losses in my own life. I often feel like I have become an unintended “expert” in grief.

First, grieve and then grieve some more. One of my Advisory Board Members, Dr. Linda Tucker, tells me that “what often prevents people from feeling the depth of whatever it is they’re feeling is that they’re afraid they’ll get stuck there.” I say, quit worrying about how long it has been. In my humble opinion and experience, there is no such thing as the five stages of grief. My book breaks grief down in 3 stages, the beginning, the middle and the rest of your life.

Second, share your feelings, especially with anyone who has a good heart and is willing to listen. Talk about your child, parent, partner or friend, and recite your memories, and by all means remember them. Hope Edelman states in her book, “The Story of a shared life, after all, is much richer and more elaborate than the story of how a life ended.” The After Grief: Finding Your way Along the Long Arc of Loss,

Feel anger, if you are angry. Many of us are. Anger at the person who took your loved one’s life, anger at your loved one for dying and in my case, anger at the system who allowed my daughter’s killer to continue to drink and drive on a valid California driver’s license after numerous arrests and convictions.

We Save Lives welcomes The Mittleman Law Firm as our newest sponsor and a big supporter of our #BUTNOTWHILEDRIVING campaign. The firm specializes in personal injury cases. John has over two decades of experience and success helping people obtain full and fair compensation for their injuries and damages. He is

We Save Lives depends upon contributions and sponsorships to help fund our ongoing drunk, drugged and distracted driving campaigns. These include our Drop the "A" Word petition drive, Action Alerts, Legislative support, and our Celebration of Life program, honoring victims and survivors of drunk, drugged and distracted driving and boating. If you are interested in Giving Back to your community and saving lives please consider becoming a We Save Lives sponsor. You may contact us at info@wesavelives.org.

December is National Drunk and Drugged Driving Prevention month. Despite COVID, people are still driving and they are driving drunk and drugged. Even though we are being discouraged from celebrating in a group, some people still are. This means that we will continue to see drivers make dangerous choices. Their are so many things you can do to prevent tragedies, including staying home, driving sober, using a cab or choosing a designated driver.

I want to personally thank all of you who donated to We Save Lives for Giving Tuesday. I know what a tough year this has been for you and it makes me appreciate your contributions all the more.

Unfortunately, we lost our grant due to COVID and despite your generosity we still fell far short of our goal so if you didn't get a chance to give, please do. We still need your donations. The reality is that We Save Lives needs funding if we want to continue our life saving programs.